It was time to write another one.

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So I’ve had some random things to write about for a few weeks, and today seemed like a good day to get them all out. I apologize for any randomness or seemingly incoherent thoughts, such is the state of my mind right now.

Death is a weird thing. In the last month two people that I knew, not very well at all mind you, have passed away. Their deaths affected me in an odd way. Seeing the reactions of those that loved these young men was heartbreaking. I cannot say that I felt their pain, but I was moved. Whether you lose a loved one yourself, or you experience grief by proxy, it should make you think. Think about those who are most important to you. When was the last time you told them how much they mean to you? I know that for me, the people I care about most are often the recipients of undeserved frustration and my emotional shenanigans. I take my frustrations out on those I love most. Why? Because I know that no matter what, they will love me. Even if I’m sassy today, their feelings for me will not change tomorrow. It doesn’t seem fair, probably because it isn’t. Tell someone you love them today. Please.

Entitlement. What are you entitled to? Rather, what do you think you’re entitled to? I’ve had this strange realization over the last month or so that I’ve been out of college. After interviewing at Subway, having a college degree, and not getting a callback I was offended. I felt like Subway should have jumped at the opportunity to have a college graduate as a “sandwich artist.” Seriously, Alanna? Why was I better than any other applicant? Because my parents could afford to send me to college? Because I was born in a first world country to a middle class family? Because, unlike many people around the world, I had never gone a day without a meal or been without a roof over my head. Ego. Entitlement. Ignorance. For some reason I thought having bs’d my way through 3 years of college suddenly made me a better person. In Reality , it made me someone who took advantage of the opportunities life presented to me. I would like to point out that in no way did I truly “earn” any of them. Circumstance dealt a hand in my favor. With that being said, I am very thankful for all of the things I have. I have a job that pays above minimum wage, US minimum wage that is. When I’m hungry I eat. When I’m thirsty I drink. When I want to go somewhere I get in my car and drive there. All while half the world’s population lives on less than $2 a day. Seriously, Alanna? How did you get so lucky. Chance, probably. I’m sure many of you have seen the movie Spiderman. Peter Parker’s uncle Ben, in a somewhat unrelated context, tells him, “With great power comes great responsibility.” In a strange way, I feel like a superhero. I have had more opportunities than most people in the world have, and to waste these by feeling bitter and “entitled” would be foolish, and, frankly selfish. So, I have made it a goal to use my powers for good, and not evil. To make an active effort to make a difference in the lives of those who have not been as blessed as I have been.

“Be open to outcome, not attached to outcome.” That quote speaks to my soul. As a girl who always finds herself attached to her expectations, I can tell you that being open can save you a lot of heartache. Dreaming and having goals is one thing, but having your mind set on a particular event occurring, or not occurring can set you up for failure and disappointment. I’m not advising you not to hope for something. But, as the saying goes, don’t put all your eggs in one basket. Hope for the best but expect the worst, errr something. Cliche idioms aside, don’t limit yourself by narrowing your focus so much that you eliminate other options…in doing so you may miss out on something better. By the same token, don’t get so caught up in your disappointment of an unfulfilled dream that you miss the lesson in the heartbreak. With every struggle there is something to be learned. A take away. Usually, when you feel sick to your stomach and down on life that’s life telling you, “Yeah, you know that thing you did…don’t do it again.” Sometimes it takes hearing that message a few times before you actually decide to change your behavior. But that’s ok. That’s part of being a human. We do dumb stuff sometimes. You can move on, ignoring the gems of wisdom nestled in the pain. Or, you can put on your big kid undies and decide to grow up a little bit. Reflect on your mistakes and make some changes. P.S. Sometimes that requires an apology. P.P.S. This is an instance in which I need to heed my own advice. =P

That’s all the rambling I feel like doing at the moment. I’m hoping, if you read this, it wasn’t a complete waste of your time…and that it kinda made sense. [I'm refusing to proofread this post...cause I don't feel like it.] Much love to you all.

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6 thoughts on “It was time to write another one.

  1. Oh, my sweet girl…I love you so! No matter how sassy you may be, I will love you forever. I will like you for always. As long as I’m living, my baby you’ll be :-)

  2. Marie Nelson

    Alanna, you have gained so much wisdom in your few years, and you are able to express it with such clarity and grace.

  3. Shirly Lloyd

    What a caring, loving, thoughtful young lady you are my sweet Alanna. You write beautifully! Big hugs from a Grandma who loves you very much!

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